It's 4.15am, John is asleep and making the weird snory sound he makes, I am waring a massive jacket that doesn't fit because everything's packed and ready to go.
There's only one thing different. I'm not nervous.
I HATE flying. To the point of making sure I see all my friends before i get on a plane incase I don't see them again... but this time, maybe it's just because I've been so busy, but I'm relitively calm.
My usual pre-flight plan is to just not sleep - then when I get on the plane I'm really spaced out and tired so I just doze off or at least don't have the energy to panic. But right now all I want to do is cuddle john and go to sleep.
I'm going to miss him.
And the snory sound.
Well, not so much that.
I had a weird flash back to once when I was on a plane and there was terrible turbulance. I was so scared. All I could think was, and this is going to sound very morbid now, was how much I loved my fiance of the time, and how if I died at this moment, I'd have had a full life because of him. Strange isn't it? I can't say I feel exactly like that now, I'm older, I have much more to live for, much more left to do I'm sure, lots more people to help, but at the same time I do feel a lot more content and serene, more than I have for years.
That isn't to say I'm ready to die in a plane crash (I'm touching as much wood as I can find while writing all this...), but I do feel like my life's settling again - more than it has since that time. It's a good feeling. It's a little weird too, I never thought I'd feel like this again - at least, I've been stopping myself.
Anyway... where did all this come from...
I am setting off for the airport in 3 1/2 hours.
I think I'm going to cuddle john for a bit.
x