I am crying.
I can't stop crying.
I've been packing all day, watching old old videos, and went to the theatre tonight.
It was like going back in time for the day. When my mum and dad were in the country all the time and I wasn't rushing to make sure I saw them. When I made a play in 6 weeks for an appreciative audience. When all me and Keya needed to laugh til we cried was a video camera and an evening alone.
All I've done for the last year is look back at my time in Chorley and think bad things, and how glad I am to be out of there - there was a lot of good there that I'd forgotten.
I was driving home, after talking and catching up with people I used to see every week, and I just started crying.
It's like the last 6 months just caught up with me all at once.
I've not written much, if anything, about what happened with me and Chris in this, or any other. blog. Simply out of respect for him. He has written much more in his, but I have risen above all of that. At least, in text form.
I thought about how bad I was to him, I was at no point in any way pleased with how I was towards him. No one deserves that. Things weren't right, but I went about things the completley wrong way. I only hope that one day he can forgive me enough, I dont know if he ever will. But I miss him.
But at the same point, I am happy, very happy, the happiest I have been in many years. It feels more like things are fitting together. The move back to Chorley isn't ideal, by any means, but it wont be for long, and I'll be back to living my life more how I want to - not how I think it will work logically, or for others.
Finally it's stuff like this that really makes me realise how much I miss my parents. Since my dads stroke my sister has been so much closer to them than I have. I think it's because she was there when that happened, and I didn't really see it, so it didn't hit me in the same way. There's just loads of stuff going on in my life that I don't want to bother them with, or I don't think they'll be interested in. I suppose they just see me as 'independant' or 'strong' or just able to look after myself... maybe I am. But I'm probably not, not really. Why do you think I've always got a man in tow. Clever eh? *sarcasm*

I just hate being the person that when I tell people what's going on in my life they roll their eyes as if to say 'that's our Bron', like I'm some sort of wacky neighbour in the sitcom of my life.
I feel like I have to grow up a bit more now and sort everything out.
I don't ever want to be in this situation again - this is the second time I've ended up here.
All my own doing.
Twice.
I aparantly never learn.
But I have this time.
I hope.