It's Bron feeling sorry for herself hour...
I feel really stressed, sad and alone at the moment.
As much as I have loads of cool fun people around me in Manchester, I don't have any close friends.
The more time I spend with Chris and Ben the more I realise I'm surplus to that/those relationships. I've had to close myself off to a lot of what they do, mostly for self preservation. A lot of the things they say in jest really hurt. And the things they don't tell me at all hurt even more. Thing is, they both know me very well - extremely well. And I struggle with letting people get to know me... cos then they can use what they know to hurt me... and they are doing... I'm sure they don't realise they are, but they do... and it's exactly why I wont open up to people...
So it's probably best I just stay away from now on.
Which means - no friends. I've not really connected with anyone else around here. I mean, I get on great with loads of people, but there's no one I'd call up and see if they wanted to hang out for the night. Mind you, there rarely has been in my life anyway... at least, not in this country.
I struggle to ask people if they want to hang out with me cos I assume they would be doing it to be polite, rather than actually wanting to be around me.
I planned a get together next week - and two people were going to come! I actually put myself out there for once... and no one can make it... not that I'm suggesting that everyone got together and decided they wanted to make me feel a bit shit... but that's the outcome... and it will stop me from trying again for a good long while...
People forget I think that even though I come across as a bit of an attention seeker - it's through need, not want... things hurt me very easily and linger for a long time...
I just feel really shit today.
I want to cry.
The worst thing is - I find it hard to talk to anyone about any of this stuff.... so I write it here... and again, i'm not writing it for attention, although in all honesty, I suppose a little bit of me wants the people I'm talking about to read it - cos there's no way I can say any of this stuff....
but in general it's just to get it all out...
blah
reminds me of why I started this blog 4 years ago...
I feel really stressed, sad and alone at the moment.
As much as I have loads of cool fun people around me in Manchester, I don't have any close friends.
The more time I spend with Chris and Ben the more I realise I'm surplus to that/those relationships. I've had to close myself off to a lot of what they do, mostly for self preservation. A lot of the things they say in jest really hurt. And the things they don't tell me at all hurt even more. Thing is, they both know me very well - extremely well. And I struggle with letting people get to know me... cos then they can use what they know to hurt me... and they are doing... I'm sure they don't realise they are, but they do... and it's exactly why I wont open up to people...
So it's probably best I just stay away from now on.
Which means - no friends. I've not really connected with anyone else around here. I mean, I get on great with loads of people, but there's no one I'd call up and see if they wanted to hang out for the night. Mind you, there rarely has been in my life anyway... at least, not in this country.
I struggle to ask people if they want to hang out with me cos I assume they would be doing it to be polite, rather than actually wanting to be around me.
I planned a get together next week - and two people were going to come! I actually put myself out there for once... and no one can make it... not that I'm suggesting that everyone got together and decided they wanted to make me feel a bit shit... but that's the outcome... and it will stop me from trying again for a good long while...
People forget I think that even though I come across as a bit of an attention seeker - it's through need, not want... things hurt me very easily and linger for a long time...
I just feel really shit today.
I want to cry.
The worst thing is - I find it hard to talk to anyone about any of this stuff.... so I write it here... and again, i'm not writing it for attention, although in all honesty, I suppose a little bit of me wants the people I'm talking about to read it - cos there's no way I can say any of this stuff....
but in general it's just to get it all out...
blah
reminds me of why I started this blog 4 years ago...
5 Comments:
At December 06, 2007 11:09 pm,
Anonymous said…
Oh man, I'm going through this sort of soul-searching BS too. yuck. I hope your icky feelings go away soon. In other news? In only a few short weeks I'll get to tell you how awesome I think you are In PERSON and everything!
At December 07, 2007 2:40 pm,
Anonymous said…
Me too!
For whatever it is worth I'd give anything to live in the same town as you. You are fantastic and make other people feel good about themselves. And I adore you!
Michele
At December 08, 2007 10:05 am,
????? said…
Well hopefully you're still coming for a slumber party round at mine next week? ;) Sorry the plans for this week didn't work out - been mental. And I too wish it didn't have to be a four hour journey to get together - will be back in Manchester one day! Hurrah!
At December 09, 2007 1:01 pm,
Bron said…
thanks guys... I got a few emails from people too.
I love you all.
I feel much better now, I hit these slumps, just hadnt had one for a while :(
At December 09, 2007 2:32 pm,
Jerilyn Dufresne, author said…
I remember we talked about this a few years back. Like the others who posted, I'd love to live in the same town with you and go to movies and such. There's a group I play cards with weekly because we are all alone down here doing disaster work and everyone was lonely and sad. No more. We have fun now, and that's a nice change. Love you.
Post a Comment
<< Home