Well, I’m about 2,500 off finishing my dissertation. And I have lost a bit of interest… I wonder why? Actually, I feel very odd. I know why some of it is, but I hate feeling weird like this. I feel like I did a matter of months before I left the states to move back here. I lost over a stone in that time cos I couldn’t eat, I felt too weird it made me sick. I feel like I’m going a bit like that at the moment. I have eaten today, but I had to force myself, I knocked myself sick with the cornetto. I hate the way my feelings affect my body. It’s like with my anxiety it causes my eczema and back and neck problems, not to mention the breathing problems. I can deal with most of it, mainly cos I’m used to it now, I know when it’s coming on and I can turn it away, but this sick feeling I can’t get rid of, I don’t know how to, apart from stopping thinking about things. It’s the things I can’t change cos they’re reliant on other people that drive me mad… and I feel racked with guilt and regret, so what’s new?
I don’t want to go home, but I don’t want to stay here. I feel like I’ve failed. Ha, well I may well have failed my course… who knows.
What am I going back to? A life where I am broke, with no job… I feel like I’m going backwards a step. I don’t really want to take the Youth Theatre back on, but I don’t want to see it die either. I’m going back to a cold room, in a big house, full of my shit that I don’t need, in a place where I can’t go anywhere. Back to people who have much more important things going on in their lives than to worry about me. Back to a certain person who, even after two years, can’t look me in the eye – and that’s the worst part of it all.
I’ve always thought that admitting you had a problem with something was a weakness, well, I still do believe that. But I find this blog liberating in the sense that I can come on here and talk about things – get them off my chest, even if no one read it I’d still feel better cos I’ve got it out. There’s still a whole lot of stuff I wouldn’t want to put on here, but it’s good to feel that I can ‘talk’.
Anyway… only 18 hours til I have to hand in this typed piece of shit that has been the bane of my life for the last 3 months
BRON
x
I don’t want to go home, but I don’t want to stay here. I feel like I’ve failed. Ha, well I may well have failed my course… who knows.
What am I going back to? A life where I am broke, with no job… I feel like I’m going backwards a step. I don’t really want to take the Youth Theatre back on, but I don’t want to see it die either. I’m going back to a cold room, in a big house, full of my shit that I don’t need, in a place where I can’t go anywhere. Back to people who have much more important things going on in their lives than to worry about me. Back to a certain person who, even after two years, can’t look me in the eye – and that’s the worst part of it all.
I’ve always thought that admitting you had a problem with something was a weakness, well, I still do believe that. But I find this blog liberating in the sense that I can come on here and talk about things – get them off my chest, even if no one read it I’d still feel better cos I’ve got it out. There’s still a whole lot of stuff I wouldn’t want to put on here, but it’s good to feel that I can ‘talk’.
Anyway… only 18 hours til I have to hand in this typed piece of shit that has been the bane of my life for the last 3 months
BRON
x
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