Well.. the Xmas tunes are blazing courtesy of a CD my ssiter made for me two years ago... I dig it out every year now, it's my own little tradition.
I bailed on an auditon this week and didn't get another job... so I'm pretty down on the ground again. I have to get some work soon or the future is looking very bleak indeed. In fact it is anyway...I really think I need to get out of this place. It's my pride that's doing me down. If I was somewhere where no one knew me I'd be fine. I know I can do better than I'm doing, but I dont try hard enough because I feel like everyone's waiting for me to fall so they can all laugh at me. So then I'm depressed cos I'm not getting anywhere, and I'm not trying so it makes me even more dpressed and worthless... it's a decending spiral.
I've been told by a few people recently to seek some help. But I honeslty dont know what would help, it's all about me and for me to sort out surely. I am very reluctant to take medication, as most of you know I even avoid painkillers if at all possible (though that HAS gone out the window a bit since the toothache), so to be reliant on medication to equalise my emotions! That's just scary... I think i'd rather just be miserable.
Thing is, Ican't be happy, I'm sure I've written this somewhere on this blog before, as it's a realisation I came to a while ago now... I can't be happy cos as soon as I'm happy (which is rare) I KNOW there's going to be a fall almost straight after, so I can't enjoy being happy as I'm waiting for that fall... so the less happy I am the less the fall is. The last few weeks I've been up and down that ladder... I only seem to be able to achieve 'happy' if someone else is involved... and usually the fall will come because of 'people' too. I dont have enough confidence for my work to make me happy - although sometimes it is now making me feel accomplished.
Talking of work , i havemy first official ComedySportz workshop on Thursday in Oxford. Steven is coming with me so I have to pay him, but it should be a good day as long as I dont get stuck in traffic!
Teeth update - I chickened out of calling the dentist for so long that Ste called for me... they called me back and infomed me that I would now have to wait for the hospital to get in touch for a 'non-needle' sedation. Ugh... just mash for my Xmas dinner then, mind you, that's pretty much all I ever ate. Think I've had pizza for the last two years anyway.
LIz and I are heading round Ste's tonight to eat and help him decorate, should be fun.. I will take my Xmas CD from my sister with me...
BRON
x
I bailed on an auditon this week and didn't get another job... so I'm pretty down on the ground again. I have to get some work soon or the future is looking very bleak indeed. In fact it is anyway...I really think I need to get out of this place. It's my pride that's doing me down. If I was somewhere where no one knew me I'd be fine. I know I can do better than I'm doing, but I dont try hard enough because I feel like everyone's waiting for me to fall so they can all laugh at me. So then I'm depressed cos I'm not getting anywhere, and I'm not trying so it makes me even more dpressed and worthless... it's a decending spiral.
I've been told by a few people recently to seek some help. But I honeslty dont know what would help, it's all about me and for me to sort out surely. I am very reluctant to take medication, as most of you know I even avoid painkillers if at all possible (though that HAS gone out the window a bit since the toothache), so to be reliant on medication to equalise my emotions! That's just scary... I think i'd rather just be miserable.
Thing is, Ican't be happy, I'm sure I've written this somewhere on this blog before, as it's a realisation I came to a while ago now... I can't be happy cos as soon as I'm happy (which is rare) I KNOW there's going to be a fall almost straight after, so I can't enjoy being happy as I'm waiting for that fall... so the less happy I am the less the fall is. The last few weeks I've been up and down that ladder... I only seem to be able to achieve 'happy' if someone else is involved... and usually the fall will come because of 'people' too. I dont have enough confidence for my work to make me happy - although sometimes it is now making me feel accomplished.
Talking of work , i havemy first official ComedySportz workshop on Thursday in Oxford. Steven is coming with me so I have to pay him, but it should be a good day as long as I dont get stuck in traffic!
Teeth update - I chickened out of calling the dentist for so long that Ste called for me... they called me back and infomed me that I would now have to wait for the hospital to get in touch for a 'non-needle' sedation. Ugh... just mash for my Xmas dinner then, mind you, that's pretty much all I ever ate. Think I've had pizza for the last two years anyway.
LIz and I are heading round Ste's tonight to eat and help him decorate, should be fun.. I will take my Xmas CD from my sister with me...
BRON
x
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