My blog is pants...

Random stuff from the Bronster... especially good to read if you happen to like me.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

I dunno, it's still here, yesterday i had a downer, but today I'm right back up again... maybe it was a 4 hour conversation with a certain ego boosting person... or an hour long convo with a wonderful pal in London... maybe it is Xmas... maybe it's cos my mum is back soon (hmmm... ;) )
Well whatever it is, I'm trying my best to just enjoy it for once! I actually said today that I was feeling optimistic (very very rare)....
maybe 2005 will be a good year for me?

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Today was CSzCUK's first paid school workshop.. we've done a few before, but never 'officially', and never with just two of us... Steven braved the 4 hour drive there and then another 4 hour drive back to come and do the workshop with me, I asked him why, he said because I asked, and he's enjoy it. So that was good enough for me... pleasant trip there and back and he even bought me some soup.
THE WORKSHOP! Yay... this is where I get to tell you all the cool stuff! I did my basic start with both groups, that involved a circle of What Are You Doing (which they knew) and PR Game (a big 'Yes And' game where everyone is making up an Ad Campaign and everyone has to agree with everyone else no matter what they suggest). As we only had an hour with each group we then did a Good Improvisor/Bad Improvisor scene (Steven played 'Bad Improvisor') where we do a scene and the kids have to tell us what that blatant gaping holes were. Both groups were good at that! One group even picked up on something I'd missed to do with mime. Plus I messed up the beginning of one scene, suggestion 'Zoo'... i grabbed Stevens hand and suggested we go and look at the lions... then he went off explaining that we werent at the zoo and he was going to shoot me... so I suddenly had a gun too, but then he denied my gun and said I had no arms 'Oh yeah, I forgot!'... funny, but blatantly bad - but yeah I messed up the beginning cos I didn't really do a very good mum impression and it looked like I was an old lady looking after her deranged Old Husband... ahh well... whatever...
The first group were good and the second group were OK (and double the size of the first!)... we did Forward Reverse, Superheros (it's one of Steven's fave games so I left him to explain and play that... characters: Captain Toast, Opera Lady, Diver Woman, Evil Girl ... Evil Girl just cracked me up, 'Yes I am Evil Girl - with the power of... evil'), Replay, New Choice (a classic), and a few others... with all the kids really threw themselves into it, literally some times.
There were some Jem kids in those groups, if I were closer to Oxford I would have had a team there I'm sure... I instantly bond with the 'different' kids too, one girl had purple hair, she was funky, although I called her Hitler Girl for the whole workshop as she'd brought Hitler to the PR Game... she did however point out that she wasn't a Nazi. There ws another funky guy who was the spitting image of a repeat audience member we have in Chorley, I was a bit freaked out at first... I thought it was him and he'd folllowed us! lol.
In just a 'scene' the suggestion was Umbilicle Cord (Hmmm) and this turned into a great scene about a mother not being able to let go, and the parents have been saving parts of the kids body... then all his unfinished meals, then the grandma turned up and told the 'dad' that she still had his liver. It was very funny... they found the game within the game, the 'body parts game'... the great thing about these groups was that I really think the did get a lot of what I was saying tothem.. and it made me all toasty.
Anyway I'm going to go to bed now....

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

OK.. I'm back...
and I'm still happyish...
That place drags me down... anyway...
I am happy today becuase someone, on a forum I visit, posted a thread that has basically asked everyone to write something about me. I was amazed that people then took the time to do that and the nice things that they wrote warmed my heart so much.
Now I'm addicted to it! I've told you before that I only work well on extrinsic rewards... this is like overload for me! I will probalby save all of it somewhere... either that or when I'm in a mood again pick it apart and try to figure out what they 'really' mean! ;)
Only one thing could make me happier tonight, and that's to talk to a certain person online... but he's not here... so I think I'll just do a bit of knitting and go to bed...
today people.. I am happy... I am trying to stay happy... as any minute I am off to the theatre, and I refuse to let it get me down!
Will write more when I get back about why I'm so happy :)


Saturday, December 11, 2004

Well.. the Xmas tunes are blazing courtesy of a CD my ssiter made for me two years ago... I dig it out every year now, it's my own little tradition.
I bailed on an auditon this week and didn't get another job... so I'm pretty down on the ground again. I have to get some work soon or the future is looking very bleak indeed. In fact it is anyway...I really think I need to get out of this place. It's my pride that's doing me down. If I was somewhere where no one knew me I'd be fine. I know I can do better than I'm doing, but I dont try hard enough because I feel like everyone's waiting for me to fall so they can all laugh at me. So then I'm depressed cos I'm not getting anywhere, and I'm not trying so it makes me even more dpressed and worthless... it's a decending spiral.
I've been told by a few people recently to seek some help. But I honeslty dont know what would help, it's all about me and for me to sort out surely. I am very reluctant to take medication, as most of you know I even avoid painkillers if at all possible (though that HAS gone out the window a bit since the toothache), so to be reliant on medication to equalise my emotions! That's just scary... I think i'd rather just be miserable.
Thing is, Ican't be happy, I'm sure I've written this somewhere on this blog before, as it's a realisation I came to a while ago now... I can't be happy cos as soon as I'm happy (which is rare) I KNOW there's going to be a fall almost straight after, so I can't enjoy being happy as I'm waiting for that fall... so the less happy I am the less the fall is. The last few weeks I've been up and down that ladder... I only seem to be able to achieve 'happy' if someone else is involved... and usually the fall will come because of 'people' too. I dont have enough confidence for my work to make me happy - although sometimes it is now making me feel accomplished.
Talking of work , i havemy first official ComedySportz workshop on Thursday in Oxford. Steven is coming with me so I have to pay him, but it should be a good day as long as I dont get stuck in traffic!
Teeth update - I chickened out of calling the dentist for so long that Ste called for me... they called me back and infomed me that I would now have to wait for the hospital to get in touch for a 'non-needle' sedation. Ugh... just mash for my Xmas dinner then, mind you, that's pretty much all I ever ate. Think I've had pizza for the last two years anyway.
LIz and I are heading round Ste's tonight to eat and help him decorate, should be fun.. I will take my Xmas CD from my sister with me...

Thursday, December 02, 2004


Alison Hannigan

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

yay... blogger will finally let me blog again! It's been werird for the last week.

Anyhoo.. lots has happened this week. I was given an auditon for a company who do Olde TIme Music Hall shows around the country! That 's in London next Tuesday. Quite exciting. I've got to ring them tomorrow and tell them about my jaunt to the states though, so that may hinder me a bit... we'll see.
I've also applied for a directing placement at the Young Vic in London.. that would just be a dream come true - i would drop everything for that!
Yesterday was a happy day, so, of course, today is a miserable day... for no other reason than that's just what happens with me... spent most of today in self doubt mode pretty much... but I've just piled all this crap onto my new internet friend, so I dont need to pile any more..
I'm trying to organise this trip to LA for next summer but everyone's dropping out! I dont understand why!? It's LA!! You get to perform in HOLLYWOOD! I dunno...
Like I sai dI'm fed up right now.
I bailed on my dentist appt... am trying to pluck up the courage to call the dentists and ask for them to refer me to somewhere that does NOT do injections... but will completely knock me out... makes me panic just thinking about it so I refuse to right now.
I've been in kitting overload! Scarves here there and everywhere!
I'm sure more has happened but I can't think of what it is right now... so I'll go...