I can't sleep - my nights are just a mess... i am waking up about 2 or 3 times a night... I can only assume it's stress.
Have been given less work than I am used to at the Uni so my summer needs even MORE work than usual... at present the amount of work lined up is zero.
I am trying to stay positive, and for the most part I'm not doing too bad... but I know it's going to hit me if I don't find some work asap...

On the up side - I have lost 4 lbs since new year. Every week I go swimming and I add another length in a row to do. Today i did 4 lengths in a row. So next week it will be five. I feel stronger and I feel much more awake and alive after swimming... i really want to keep that going.
If I can lose a lb a week every week for the rest of the year then I will be back to the weight I shoudl be (about 10 stone).

I have to be up at 6.30am again tomorrow for my last Wolverhampton workshop ... next week John and the gang will be without me.. :-/

Night
x

Swimming today was fabulous again!

And at my weekly weigh in I've lost 4lbs since Jan 1st... not a lot I know but better than putting 4 on! That would have put me at 14 stone :(



Went to the doctors as well... turns out my stomach problems are because of my frigging back!! So there. And yet again, no suggestions of what to do... great.

Two years ago today my lovely man said, in a throw away comment granted, that id we were still together and happy in 3 years we would get married.
We are still together and happy two years in, and I love this man to bits.
I am looking forward to a years time, and the rest of our lives.
Feeling a bit soppy.
And happy.
I just made a cake.

and then it got worse ... :(

Firstly though I want to say a big thanks to the lovely comments for my last blog... they are appreciated x

Last night was awful... or should I say this morning...
At 4am I woke up with an awful pain in my back - a sort of dull aching pain that wouldn't go away... within minutes it got worse... then it transfered itself into my stomach, right on top of my diaphragm. It was agony. I was terrified, I felt like I was going to pass out, I was cold and sweating and sick but I couldn't move...
John wanted to call an ambulance, I was passing in and out of conciousness... I wouldn't let him, but I did let him call NHS Direct... where he promptly forgot my birthday, how to spell my name, and where we lived...
After half an hour of this it started to ease off...
the Doctor who was supposed to call didn't seem to be bothering...
John got me a hot water bottle as I was freezing (even though the room was boiling) and I dozed off a little... then the Doctor rang and told me there wasn't anything he could suggest. Well done.

I am worried it may happen again tonight, I've not shifted the pain and the general sick feeling... it may just be a tummy bug, but I don't tend to get those... the last time it was like this was in the states two summers ago where my mum found me on the bathroom floor!
Ugh.
Horrible, scary and painful....

Am hoping it will get better....

I will admit it, I'm starting to panic.

The job I love may no longer exist by next year. I may be getting ahead of myself, but I am scared. I have spent the last four years working hard and trying to get myself up the ladder, and it looks like the ladder is about to be taken away.
I have been told by people higher up that they are going to work hard to make this not happen.. but I know cuts have to be made.
We will see.

Since I have been with John I have had no big slumps, much less stress, I have been able to say for the first time ever that I was truly happy.
Not to suggest that now I'm not... but the other night the slump that started hitting me just after Xmas took over. I felt awful. I had no energy and my stomach was churning. I felt so weak I hit the floor crying. I felt sad and scared and paranoid and panic'd... i'd not felt so bad for so long that scared me too which made it even worse! John just hugged me and talked to me. I eventually got up and went to bed.

The next day I felt better.... I had an interview and a few meetings which perked me up.... but am heading down again... ugh

I just got back from swimming...

Now, I've not been swimming for many years... but when I was little I used to love it... I even forgot how much I loved it until this morning when John said how well I seemed to swim for someone who didn't swim. I'd forgotten all the times me and dad used to go to the baths and practice diving and flips, I'd forogtten I could do breast stroke, over arm, back stroke etc... I'd just forgotten!
When iw as about 7 I had to have an opertation on my ears... my ears were knakkered, and still are, so I wasn;t allowed to put my head under the water unless I had earplugs in, which, to be honest, took all the joy out of it, my hearing was poor anyway (which I hate) and to conciously make it worse was awful. The only thing that was paralelling that today was the fact I couldn't focus on anything without my specs... but that was small fries.
In recent years my reasons for not going were purely self conciousness. I didnt' like the way I looked in a swimming costume. But I aparantly had a brightly coloured one with shorts attached, that I just found in my chest of drawers.
So this morning me and John went along to the swimming baths... they had to open it up for us! We were pretty much the only two people in there for the most part.
We are planning to go now at least once a week (am trying to talk him into more) I feel so much better for an hour swimming, my back has loosened up and I feel energised.
Loved it!