Well, I’m about 2,500 off finishing my dissertation. And I have lost a bit of interest… I wonder why? Actually, I feel very odd. I know why some of it is, but I hate feeling weird like this. I feel like I did a matter of months before I left the states to move back here. I lost over a stone in that time cos I couldn’t eat, I felt too weird it made me sick. I feel like I’m going a bit like that at the moment. I have eaten today, but I had to force myself, I knocked myself sick with the cornetto. I hate the way my feelings affect my body. It’s like with my anxiety it causes my eczema and back and neck problems, not to mention the breathing problems. I can deal with most of it, mainly cos I’m used to it now, I know when it’s coming on and I can turn it away, but this sick feeling I can’t get rid of, I don’t know how to, apart from stopping thinking about things. It’s the things I can’t change cos they’re reliant on other people that drive me mad… and I feel racked with guilt and regret, so what’s new?
I don’t want to go home, but I don’t want to stay here. I feel like I’ve failed. Ha, well I may well have failed my course… who knows.
What am I going back to? A life where I am broke, with no job… I feel like I’m going backwards a step. I don’t really want to take the Youth Theatre back on, but I don’t want to see it die either. I’m going back to a cold room, in a big house, full of my shit that I don’t need, in a place where I can’t go anywhere. Back to people who have much more important things going on in their lives than to worry about me. Back to a certain person who, even after two years, can’t look me in the eye – and that’s the worst part of it all.
I’ve always thought that admitting you had a problem with something was a weakness, well, I still do believe that. But I find this blog liberating in the sense that I can come on here and talk about things – get them off my chest, even if no one read it I’d still feel better cos I’ve got it out. There’s still a whole lot of stuff I wouldn’t want to put on here, but it’s good to feel that I can ‘talk’.
Anyway… only 18 hours til I have to hand in this typed piece of shit that has been the bane of my life for the last 3 months
BRON
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Chorley To Farnham, in the Dark - A short Story

I set off at about 8.30pm, suddenly remembering I had to return keys to Ian, this I did. Went to get petrol, which took until 8.50pm as there were loasd of people trying to fill up before the prices go up. After this I was on my merry way. I reached the motorway and headed towards the M6... 30 minutes later while STILL heading toward the M6, and reaching MOrcambe, I realised I was heading in the wrong direction... it was 9.30pm. I turned, tired and confused already, and headed back the way I came. Another 30 minutes later I was at the place I was at when I went the wrong way, this time, however, I was going the right way. It was 10pm. So, I had started my journey, and used £5 of petrol on going the wrong way. 106 miles to Birmingham, I plodded on for those miles. LIstening to music, Ben FOlds and Barenaked Ladies mainly, and I reached Birmingham. Birmingham smelled of feet, it was now 11.45pm.
After doing a complete circle of Birmingham, smelling the feet, passing Cadbury's World, the NEC and Sun City, all twice, I realised something was going wrong, so I pulled off to get yet more petrol and ask the attendant. Turns out she had even littler clue than I, and didn't even know which motorway I was on. So I headed north again back to the M6, to where I knew I was. Woke up a bit, ate some pasta, nice. Got on the M40, and plain sailing til Oxford. This was when the dark started to get to me. It creeped over me like a small man with a cloak who liked to cover young ladies in darkness, in the dark, in a car, on the road to Oxford... you know the sort. I couldn't see my map as there were no street lamps, and I was too busy eating and texting at the time. So I had to pull over a great many times to convince myself that I wa going the right way. It turns out I was. Now I knew where I was going, but my senses were slowly disintergrating... it was 1.30am. About 40 miles from Farnham I notcied I was sharing my car with a large spider... this woulnd't bother me normally but in my tired state I tried to make friends with him, and when he didn't reply I decided to throw him out of the window... this he didn't like and retaliated by hurling himself in a last ditch attempt to save his life, onto my leg. I dont' know where he ended up, but I can only hope that he is happy.
It was 2am
About 20 miles from Farnham I saw a huge creature fly past the car, it was either a bat or an owl... or it was my imagniation. I had already previously seen black oily monsters try to attack my face. I saw many rabbits at the side which froze when my head lights hit them. I froze too, staring at them, they transfixed me, i was terrified that all at once they would all decide to pounce into the road and I had to dodge them all... about 15 miles from Farnham someone had left a large assortment of plastic bags in the road which made me think I was in a computer game... I didn't hit any... bonus round!
5 Miles from Farnham and I nearly crashed into a roundabout, I think I may have dozed off with my eyes wide open. Finally I arrived, parked, and went to get a ticket for the next day. It was 2.24am. I realised I didn't have any money to buy a ticket, so I would have to get up again in a matter of hours to get change to pay for my parking... RARGH!
SO here I am, after sleeping most of the morning away, after driving the early hours away, after seeing and smelling Birmingham, and the delights of the M5, that I should have never seen in the first place.
And I should be doing my dissertation which is to be handed in tomorrow - but instead I decided to write this ;)
BRON
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Well, it's finished!
The computer was an arse as usual though so it wasn't as finished as I wanted....

not much else to say

and is it just me or has Vicki in Eastenders lost her American accent completely?

BRON
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grrr - everything's just out to get me at the moment isn't it???
I was getting all my stuff ready to hand in on Tuesday and realised that there's something else no one mentioned to me that has to be handed in.. and I can't even figure out what it is from the handbook - and there's no one I can ask! GREAT! So i might fail afterall...
PLUS I headed on my merry way into London today to meet Russ and Welchie, and there were no trains.. only busses which I just missed,,,so I thought I'd enquire whether I'd get back OK (coming back late and all) and was told .. probably.. but Aldershot was where I'/d have to change and it's an unmanned station... so i decided against it.. so I'm back here
*sigh*
work to be done
BRON
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Hi, well I'm trying to get on with dissertaton today.. on something like 2,300 words right now... *sigh* I really hope it passes first time cos I want shut of this whole goddamn thing...
My film is very nearly done. It will never be as done as I want it to be as I've not got enough time. But I think the sound is OK and the music's beautiul. I even used a random track from Russell's band 'Burro' which we recorded on a whim when we recorded the incidental music. It fits really well.
I've also used some of Ivan's music (Dieter's big brother) and of course all of KT and Char's collaboration stuff... it's all ace - a real mix of music tastes - which I lurve.

So i am for some reason in better spirits today.. not quite sure why, could be cos it's a sunny day and I'm listning to Ben Folds and They Might Be Giants....

BRON
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Waiting once agan to get in to edit. Do they even realise how much this ISN'T helping me???
Anyway...
Only 2 days left in the edit... my folder is nearly complete - haven't written the 1,000 words about how the project went, anlysing it etc. That's not a time to bitch about computer's and technicians though which is a shame.
Gonna go now and cross my fingers that someone is ther to let me in! >:(

BRON
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Hi, well I'm mad, so mad I feel sick with being mad. Yesterday was the last straw. The computer is still messing up the sound. And the technicians don't know what to do about it. I just broke down, no one was there and I was at my wits end. I left a note for the technician (who aparantly was going to be there) to say the computer needed de-fragging AGAIN and left at 4pm unable to do any work. I got in early this morning hopeing to make a fresh start and my computer remains untouched and the note STILL there... PLUS the room is locked so I can't even get in. I am VERY angry. And now I'm panicking becuase I know I don't have a lot of time left and I don't want to rush. So I'm scared, worried, panicked and angry. Doesn't make a great combo.
BRON
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OK - smelly editing aside...

I have been looking into my 'disorders' again... as i do when I'm in a rut and bored... and I'm just curious as to how many of you out there reading this have similar symptoms? Cos it seems to me that my 'case's are mild... see what you think:

http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/skin-picking.htm
http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/trich.htm

It's all a bit minging.. but then again i'm trying my best to 'come out' as it were... oh I'm a lesbian too... NAH!....

BRON
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realised I didn't post yesterday... well it was mainly another day of frustration - not a great deal acomplished. The computer i still messing up the sound which is driving me bonkers... and the same today.
I am playing with the credits at the start at present... i have moved where they are going... mainly cos I've not got time to do what I wanted to do and make it look good.
I also don't know how much of Russell's bands music I can use, the quality's a bit pants - my fault probably. I will try and learn how to do the audio a bit more... I'm still working on pictures mostly right now. (wrong way round I know).

Big news for today... haha... I've been offered a job interview for a job at Stagecoach Youth Theatre... teaching, get this... 4-7 year olds!!!!! OMG!! Can you really see me?!?!?!?!?!? I think I may have to turn that down. I'd probbly explode... plus I'm sure I'd not be able to convince anyone at the interview that I really would work well with little kids.

BRON
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Hi. Dieter and I did split up. But we're both much happier now... spent the last couple of days together and didn't bitch at each other at all.
I've written 400 words today :-/ But at least I've done something and the day's not over yet.
My fingers are knakkered though, and my knees are wrecked... I wish this weather would change!
Well... not much else to say really. I've also started to organise the workshop for Wales CSz .. loking forward to that :D
BRON
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Well... why do i always start my posts with 'well'... ahh well... DOH
I'm just up to 7 minutes on my first tweaking session on AVID. Got over the initial mad blasts of anger, and am now steadily remembering things and getting on with it... still not keen on the layout though.
Not much to write really as I've mostly just been tweaking all day. Am going to have to whip out the mini discs soon and get them on to the computer too.

On an aside. Looks like Dieter and I are splitting up. Let's face it, it's about time, we've been treading water for months. I think we're both Ok about it. We can probably start getting along again. We're going to talk tonight, so I'll let you know how that turns out.

BRON
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RARGH!
Well.. pretty much all of my footage went into AVID OK... however the machine is a bag of the preverbial wank and keeps pissing the sound about. So I have given up for the day to stop being so angry. I will go in early tomorrow and figure everything out and start the tweaking process.
I hate AVID DS I've decided... it's much more complicated looking than it needs to be - there's so much crammed onto the interface.. I's move it off but I don't know where it'd go! Or if I could get it back. I'd be ok if the computer wasn't messing about, I could figure it all out... ahh well... i have 8 days on there. It'll probably take me tomorrow to get comfortable on it... as long as I can stop getting really angry.
I have the way I am nowadays - my temper has become so short, any slight thing that doesn't perform to my specifics (including people) I just go mental! I'm still mad now and I've been sat here for 20 minutes!
Anyway.
Was thinking of going into London tomorrow to see Welchies script reading but I'm going to have to stay here and figure out AVID again. Which is a bummer cos I really wanted to go.
Last night I couldn't stop thinking about the script I started writing before I started on this pilot. I think I'm going to go back to that. It's a theatre script about a load of students... maybe I can do it with our new CYT Players group?

BRON
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Well... today's going very annoying!
I turn up at 9.30am to transfer some more tapes, after being told to do so the previous afternoon, and no one was there. So I went to do my washing... came back... still no one there... went away.. came back... found someone who had keys... but not the people I SHOULD have found. Anyway... started to transfer and though, I know I'll go and make sure my offline edit is ready to go onto a disk... got there... the technician was doing something to the computer. He said it'd only take a couple of minutes... so then I waited... and something had buggered up.. so now I'm here, with nothing I can do.
Getting more and more annoyed with every passing second.
No doubt tomorrow, when I finally get into AVID, it will all get worse... I'm just used to it now.
RARGH!

BRON
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Well, have begun to transfer my tapes over... should hopefully be onlining by the end of the week. Showed it to the Yank today who enjoyed it.
Just helped him move into his new house, quite nice once you get inside. Turns out the room he is in belonged to a German who loved his porn! But not THAT much, as he left a load of it.
I bought Waffles today!!!!! How excited am I!? However... they didn't sell maple syrup.. and I can't be bothered walking to Sainsbury's so I will just have to not eat them for a while. £1.10 for 6... hmmm.
Well not much else to say apart from I was woken up this morning by a bloke saying hello to someone outside... i think it worked into my pyschi - and confsued me
BRON
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p s- my room smells of pies, and i don't know why!

Well... today my practice tutor saw the rought cut - it went exactly how I'd expected, but luckily I got in there with my own criticism before she could so at least she knows I know parts don't work, etc.
Anyway, she all in all said it was good, but needed work (I have another 2 weeks to work on it, so, yeah).
So that's groovy.
Aparantly the external examiner was 'concerned' about my script, but once they saw the improvisation we did around the script etc, she was impressed... at least she was impressed with rachael's performance so much that she knew she could carry the project and make it good... my thoughts exactly. My angle now is also to play up on the 'helping community' thing... ie: all amateur actors who want to go into it professionally etc...
Dissertation still not done any more... i can't make my self even face it. Every evening I TRY but my head's still so full of editing it's really hard.
So I'm a bit chirpier again...
The yank was supposedly arriving back in this country this morning! however I recieved an e-mail telling me that he wont actually be back til tomorrow! So i don't know what's happened there....

Bought Dido's new single today... go figure...

BRON
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Just had a lovely 7 HOUR JOURNEY BACK TO SURREY!! Jeez... was it really worth it?
Well.. yes, ComedySportz was loads of fun last night. I probably butted in a little more than I shoudl have, and once my camera's playing nice again i will watch the tape and analyse myself.
\Re shot Paul's scene outside KT's house yesterday - also did some exteriors of KT's house... silly me forgot to do them when I was ther with Paul and had to return and do them later... I'm a doof.
Still loads to do.. hoping to start on the essay asap... :-/
BRON
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Well, the editing is progressing. I am on a long break now as the technician needs to move somethings off my computer (I've used like 30 GB!)... so I don't know what to do with myself... well, I do, I SHOULD be dissertation writing... DOH! I really just cant get into it... and now my tummy's rumbling... POOP!
I'm having a confusion about this offline edit anyway, I'm offlining on Premeiere and Onlining on AVID DS v5, now, when I transfer the EDL that'll cut off pretty much everything I've uploaded that's not in the timeline right? If that's so then how to I get my ATMOS and things on there seeing as I can't use them yet as I can only do one audio track!... grrr ;)
The outtakes are hilarious, especially Steven's, one is a little risque, shall we say, but I think it will probably end the credits, and I'll just cross my fingers and hope no one thinks it's too rude.
I am heading home tonight to drop off my car, shoot some more stuff, and go to CSz. Still don't know what my job for CSz is... Steven hasn't told me. He offered me House Manager, but it's Russ and KT's last match, so I am adimant that I'm involved more.
Well off to hunt some food... I think I can catch a cucumber...
BRON
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HI.. fourth day of edit.. it's half eleven and I've completed my first edit... in the sense that I've cobbled it all together... of course it looks better the next day... but it's still not great. I am going back home this weekend to shoot some establishing shots, yes Beth you were right! ;)
I'ma little more chipper today.. but I can't seem to stop sinking into these periods of self pity... grrr me.
The big 'Denise sings' scene (scene 31 to be exact) is looking great, really emotional... the whole thing at present is 23 minutes, I can probably skim it down to 20, 21 ish.
OK... off to get food and then back to work (yes I am eating again! it's the comfort)
BRON
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Third day of the edit... I have whacked together up to scene 25 I think... and I have had to leave...
It looks awful, the lighting, the shots, the fact that none of the scenes link together!
I actually even managed to convince myself I knew what I was doing this time! Shows that I should never trust myself.
I can't believe I didn't realise that this would happen. All the scenes are so far apart and there's nothing to explain anything like the timeline, the place, why we've gone there, etc... it's a disgrace. All this and on top of that I have to try and write 10,000 words on something I couldn't care less about anymore. This whole process has sapped every last bit of confidence I ever had out of me, and believe me, there wasn't much there to begin with. And to top it all off I have no one to talk to. No friends here, nothing. I feel totally alone and failing. I can't do things like this on my own, I need someone to ask 'is that ok?', or 'does that work'.. I can't trust myself. I just can't believe I didn't realise this would happen! I'm so angry with myself!!!!
The worst part is I have to put all this on a tiny piece of the internet cos there's no one around I can talk to!

Day two of the edit... nearly at the end of the digitising.... even more shots screwed up... ahh well, not much I can do about it now.
Should actually get to start the editing tomorrow. Am dreading some of it - looking forward to editing the singing scenes.
Feeling a bit sick still, not felt that good for the last few days... am sad for my car just sitting there too, I should take it for a spin.... looks like I may actually be going back home this sat for ComedySportz.. yeah baby... depends on if my dad can help me move back at the end of Sept or if I shoudl leave my car here til then
BRON
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Well... half way through the first day of editing and the package has crashed... surprise surprise... I am just sat waiting til after lunch now for the technician to come back. Great. I've only digitised tape one so far, and that is all jumpy - I can only assume their equipment is shite as the playback looked fine. I'm not too fussed at this stage - as long as it doesn't do it on the Online.
most of the shots are too dark, or too orange... I have my work cut out and I feel like I'm going to cry... not only do I have to do all this all day, but I have my dissertation to attempt in the evenings...
BRON
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